5 Paths to Happiness: Internal Changes to Transform Your Life

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5 Paths to Happiness

Internal changes to transform your life.

By Steven M. Melemis, Ph.D., M.D., for MSN Health & Fitness

 

 

The purpose of life is the pursuit of happiness. But you sometimes lose your way and end up going in the wrong direction. When that happens, how do you change your life to make it better?

Happiness is an inside job. Before you change anything else in your life, have a look at yourself. If you don’t change who you are, any external changes you make will feel nice temporarily, but then you’ll go back to feeling the way you did before.

Here are the five points that will help you change your life:

1. Get ready for change.
2. Identify what you need to change.
3. Let go of old habits to make room for change.
4. Learn new coping skills.
5. Incorporate the changes into your life.

Get ready for change

Don’t be afraid to look at yourself. You may be worried that you will find something you don’t like. Everyone has a few dark corners in their character. That’s normal, and shouldn’t be an obstacle to change.

Start with your easiest issues and you will gradually make changes in the rest. Everything is connected. Look at your deepest issues only when you are ready.

Take small steps. Don’t take an all-or-nothing approach to change and sabotage yourself before you start. Decide ahead of time to make small changes, and you will make progress.

When you take an all-or-nothing approach, you don’t have the energy to make big changes, and you don’t see the significance of small changes, so you will feel stuck. There are only a few things you probably need to change in order to make a big improvement in your life.

Identify what you need to change

Stress and negative thinking are the most common things people need to change. Examples of stress include fears, resentments, dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. Examples of negative thinking include all-or-nothing thinking and disqualifying the positives.

Do you think that things have to be perfect, and anything less is a failure? Do you focus on the few negatives in your life and ignore the many positives? These factors lead to most unhappiness. In severe cases they can lead to anxiety, depression, and addiction.

How all-or-nothing thinking leads to problems: “I have to do things perfectly because anything less is a failure.” This is the most common type of negative thinking, and the main cause of anxiety, depression, and addiction.

All-or-nothing thinking leads to anxiety because you’re worried that any mistake can expose you to criticism. You’re always second-guessing yourself, and you don’t give yourself permission to let your guard down.

It can lead to depression because when you think you have to be perfect, you feel trapped by your own high standards. That can be so exhausting that it depletes your mental and emotional resources leading to depression. All-or-nothing thinking can also lead to addiction because anxiety or depression feels so uncomfortable that you may turn to drugs or alcohol to escape.

Make room for change

The most overlooked part of change is making room for change. This is the missing piece in most self-help plans, and the reason why most people fail. They focus on why they are unhappy, thinking that alone will lead to change. They spend most of their effort trying to understand their issues. But this is just one part of change.

You also have to let go of old habits so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes. Have you ever asked yourself, “How could I be so smart but do such dumb things?” That’s what happens when you try to change without making room for change.

When you’re tense, you tend to do what’s familiar and wrong instead of what’s new and right. Stress is an obstacle to change because when you are tense, your ego and fears get in the way. Change isn’t just about what you learn, it’s also about what you let go.

Think of it this way. There are many coping skills you need to be happy. If you learn them all but don’t learn how to relax, you will still find it hard to change, because when you’re tense you will continue to repeat what’s familiar and wrong.

On the other hand, if you learn only one new coping skill—how to relax—you’ll still be happier, because everything is easier when you’re relaxed. If there is anything else you need to change, you’ll see it more easily and deal with it more effectively when you’re more relaxed.

Learn new coping skills

The three coping skills most people need to learn are these:

• How to reduce stress and relax
• How to stop dwelling on the negatives and disqualifying the positives
• How to take better care of oneself

Stress management is important because it helps you reduce the anxieties, fears, and resentments that lead to unhappiness and are obstacles to change. It helps you live in the moment instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

In the moment is where you feel happiest and content. It’s hard to feel happy when you’re dwelling on the past. You replay events from the past and dwell on what happened and how it upset you. Stress management helps you let go of the past so that you can enjoy the moment.

Relaxation is more than just a way to relax. It is a way to change your life. You relax by letting go of the stress and negative thinking that lead to unhappiness, and in doing so you improve your life. This is what makes relaxation a coping skill for change.

There are a variety of relaxation techniques to choose from. They range from breathing techniques to yoga and meditation. They all help you let go of tension and be in the moment.
Cognitive therapy is the most commonly used technique for changing your thinking. The main idea behind cognitive therapy is that your thinking determines your mood. Your mood is not determined by external factors, but how you interpret external factors.

If, for example, you interpret your experiences in a negative way, you will feel negative. The opposite is also true. If you take time to appreciate the positives in your life and don’t disqualify them, you can improve your mood. If you change your thinking, you will change your life.

Stress management also teaches you how to take better care of yourself. You practice putting time aside to relax, which is an act of self-care. You are saying that you are worth taking time for, which improves your self-esteem.

Incorporate the changes into your life

All change is difficult, even good change. You have repeated your old habits thousands of times. You will have to repeat your new habits a few hundred times before they start to feel comfortable.

Both stress management and cognitive therapy can help here. You practice being relaxed and happy in stress management so that you can incorporate these qualities into your life. You practice a healthier way of thinking in cognitive therapy so that it can become your new automatic response.

Mind-body relaxation and cognitive therapy serve the purpose of life. Combined, they help you overcome most of the problems you are likely to face. They help you identify what makes you unhappy, let it go, and replace it with something better. They transform your life.

Relaxation techniques: Try these steps to reduce stress

Relaxation techniques are a great way to help with stress management. Relaxation isn't just about peace of mind or enjoying a hobby. Relaxation is a process that decreases the effects of stress on your mind and body. Relaxation techniques can help you cope with everyday stress and with stress related to various health problems, such as cancer and pain.

Whether your stress is spiraling out of control or you've already got it tamed, you can benefit from learning relaxation techniques. Learning basic relaxation techniques is easy. Relaxation techniques also are often free or low cost, pose little risk and can be done just about anywhere. Explore these simple relaxation techniques and get started on de-stressing your life and improving your health.

The benefits of relaxation techniques

When faced with numerous responsibilities and tasks or the demands of an illness, relaxation techniques may take a back seat in your life. But that means you might miss out on the health benefits of relaxation.

Practicing relaxation techniques can reduce stress symptoms by:

• Slowing your heart rate
• Lowering blood pressure
• Slowing your breathing rate
• Increasing blood flow to major muscles
• Reducing muscle tension and chronic pain
• Improving concentration
• Reducing anger and frustration
• Boosting confidence to handle problems

To get the most benefit, use relaxation techniques along with other positive coping methods, such as exercising, getting enough sleep, and reaching out to supportive family and friends.

Types of relaxation techniques

Health professionals such as complementary and alternative medicine practitioners, doctors and psychotherapists can teach various relaxation techniques. But if you prefer, you also can learn some relaxation techniques on your own.

In general, relaxation techniques involve refocusing your attention on something calming and increasing awareness of your body. It doesn't matter which relaxation technique you choose. What matters is that you try to practice relaxation regularly to reap its benefits.

There are several main types of relaxation techniques, including:

• Autogenic relaxation. Autogenic means something that comes from within you. In this relaxation technique, you use both visual imagery and body awareness to reduce stress. You repeat words or suggestions in your mind to relax and reduce muscle tension. For example, you may imagine a peaceful setting and then focus on controlled, relaxing breathing, slowing your heart rate, or feeling different physical sensations, such as relaxing each arm or leg one by one.
• Progressive muscle relaxation. In this relaxation technique, you focus on slowly tensing and then relaxing each muscle group. This helps you focus on the difference between muscle tension and relaxation. You become more aware of physical sensations. One method of progressive muscle relaxation is to start by tensing and relaxing the muscles in your toes and progressively working your way up to your neck and head. You can also start with your head and neck and work down to your toes. Tense your muscles for at least five seconds and then relax for 30 seconds, and repeat.
• Visualization. In this relaxation technique, you form mental images to take a visual journey to a peaceful, calming place or situation. During visualization, try to use as many senses as you can, including smell, sight, sound and touch. If you imagine relaxing at the ocean, for instance, think about such things as the smell of salt water, the sound of crashing waves and the warmth of the sun on your body. You may want to close your eyes, sit in a quiet spot and loosen any tight clothing.

Other common relaxation techniques include:

• Hypnosis
• Massage
• Meditation
• Tai chi
• Yoga

Relaxation techniques take practice

As you learn relaxation techniques, you'll become more aware of muscle tension and other physical sensations of stress. Once you know what the stress response feels like, you can make a conscious effort to practice a relaxation technique the moment you start to feel stress symptoms. This can prevent stress from spiraling out of control.

Remember that relaxation techniques are skills. And as with any skill, your ability to relax improves with practice. Be patient with yourself — don't let your effort to practice relaxation techniques become yet another stressor. If one relaxation technique doesn't work for you, try another. If none of your efforts at stress reduction seem to work, talk to your doctor about other options.

Also, bear in mind that some people, especially those with serious psychological issues and a history of abuse, may experience feelings of emotional discomfort during some relaxation techniques. Although this is rare, if you experience emotional discomfort during relaxation techniques, stop what you're doing and consider talking to your health care professional or mental health provider.

Sheldon with no sleep continued...

What can happen when you don't get enough sleep...

Too Much or Too Little Sleep

Studies show that 60 percent of adults claim to have problems sleeping a few nights a week or more [source: APA]. The sales figures for sleeping pills support this claim -- they topped $3.7 billion in 2007 [source: Slate]. Studies also show that 40 percent of adults experience daytime sleepiness that interferes with their productivity at least a few days each month and 20 percent are sleepy a few days a week or more [source: APA]. Are you getting drowsy yet?

Some of the less dangerous effects of going without sleep include irritability, moodiness, a lack of inhibition and difficulty with focus and concentration. This is if you only miss out on a couple of hours of sleep. If you miss more than that, your friends are going to start to wonder what's going on -- you may experience slowed speech, apathy, impaired memory, deflated emotional response and an inability to multitask. If you stay awake past this point, you'll get extremely drowsy and actually fall into microsleeps -- nodding off for five to 10 seconds at a time. Not a big deal in a movie theater, but potentially fatal if you're behind the wheel of a car. In fact, there are 100,000 car crashes every year due to falling asleep while driving [source: sleepfoundation.org]. If you push it further without sleep, you'll begin to hallucinate.

Aside from these bothersome side effects, scientists are just now learning that getting too little sleep may also lead to some serious health problems. Researchers still don't have conclusive data, but chronic sleep deprivation has been linked to high blood pressure, cancer, heart disease, obesity and diabetes. And then there's a statistic that will have parents forcing their 5-year-olds to bed while it's still daylight -- teenagers who didn't get enough sleep as preschoolers are twice as likely to use alcohol, tobacco and drugs [source: APA].

The impact on high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes stems from the theory that our bodies may get stuck in a state of alertness without enough sleep. This leads to an increase in the production of stress hormones, which increases blood pressure. Sleep deprivation also affects the functioning of the lining inside the blood vessels and can cause some low-grade inflammation that could lead to heart disease. The diabetes risk comes from the lack of insulin produced in sleep-deprived adults.

The link to obesity may be the most confounding. You'd think that sleeping all day like a hibernating grizzly bear would turn you into a lump of goo. It turns out that when you don't catch enough Z's, the two hormones that help keep your appetite in check get thrown out of whack -- leptin and ghrelin.

How much sleep do we need?

Everyone needs different amounts of sleep, but the general consensus is that adults require between six and eight hours of sleep per night [source: APA]. Nobody passed this information along to Leonardo da Vinci. He practiced something called polyphasic sleep -- taking 20- to 30-minute naps every few hours throughout the day and night. Some people are big on "Da Vinci sleep," but it's not generally endorsed by mainstream science.

The amount of sleep you need also changes as you age. Newborn babies have it made -- they sleep 16 to 18 hours every day. So if you're sleeping like a baby, you probably aren't getting much done. At the three-month mark, babies start to recognize day as day and night as night. This is called the circadian rhythm. By the time they hit one year, most of which is spent sleeping, babies slumber for 10 to 12 hours each night and nap another three to five hours. Pretty nice lifestyle. By preschool, those long naps aren't happening.

Once kids hit puberty, they'll need more sleep than in their prepubescent period. Their body clocks shift, making it tougher to fall asleep and harder to wake up in the morning. In fact, teenagers don't start producing their sleep hormones until 1 a.m., compared to 10 p.m. in adults [source: The New York Times]. So lay off, Mom and Dad -- the teenager who won't go to sleep and can't wake up is really pretty normal. Researchers performed tests on teenagers and found that taking away just one hour of sleep led to poorer test scores, reaction time, recall and responsiveness.

College is when things get really messy. Out from under the thumb of their parents, college students typically don't police the amount of sleep they need. One study reveals that one quarter of all college students are chronically sleep deprived [source: The New York Times]. Of course, they can always catch some Z's during that Botany 101 lab. But this sleepy state leads to more than bad grades and dozing in class -- 55 percent of all drowsy-driving fatalities occur under the age of 25 [source: Dement].

There's also such a thing as too much sleep, so the key is to get the right amount. A six-year study of one million adults showed that the highest mortality rates occurred in those who either slept less than four hours per night or more than eight hours [source: The New York Times]. More than eight hours on a regular basis can also lead to depression, high blood pressure and heart disease. So the incentive to get out of bed is more serious than "I'm hungry" or "I have to pee." If that's not enough, this next statistic should encourage you to set that alarm clock -- those who average more than nine hours of sleep per night are twice as likely to develop Parkinson's disease as those who get six hours or less [source: The New York Times].

­So now you know how much sleep you're supposed to be getting -- but what happens if you don't?

Is sleep THAT important?

Most people would agree that there's nothing better than a good night's sleep. Stressful day at the office? Long hours doing yardwork and housework? All this can be repaired with a nice, long slumber. You awake the next day feeling calm, refreshed and ready for anything -- the stresses, aches and pains of the previous day are long gone.

There have been thousands of sleep studies performed over the years, but we still aren't exactly sure why we sleep. The old joke is that the function of sleep is to cure sleepiness. Prior to 1951, scientists thought bedtime was merely shutdown mode for both the body and mind. It wasn't until a graduate student at the University of Chicago hooked his son to a brain wave machine during sleep that we learned about rapid eye movement (REM) -- sleep periods when the brain speeds up its activity. During REM sleep our eyes twitch, our limbs and facial muscles may move and we dream. (You can read more specifics about sleep in our article How Sleep Works.)

One sleep theory is that ou­r brain goes over the information it received that day and decides what should stick around and where it should go. Think of your brain as a computer desktop. During the night, anything we learned that day is filed away in the proper folders, or moved to the recycle bin. Behavioral research supports this notion, but sleep is so mysterious and different for each person that it's tough to get conclusive results.

Even though we aren't exactly sure why we sleep, we know that we have to -- all mammals sleep. In fact, a lab rat that would normally live for three years will die in about three weeks without sleep [source: sleepfoundation.org]. We know that when we get too little sleep we feel lethargic, sluggish and fuzzy-headed. Long-term sleep deprivation has such an impact on the human psyche that it's been used as a form of torture by virtually every military in existence. There are studies that indicate that going without sleep is similar to being intoxicated.

So we know that we enjoy sleep, we have no choice but to sleep and going without it will make you feel a little drunk. But is getting the right amount of sleep that important or just bothersome if you don't?

Stay tuned for more blog entries for the answer ...